i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Someone shattered a urinal.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
