Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
