You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I need a beard to bite.
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