ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Randomize
