so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
