Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
We left the knife in your bed.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
