I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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