Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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