The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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