fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Randomize
