My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
