Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
