it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
