I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
