did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Randomize
