Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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