Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize
