Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
