I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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