I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
