At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
