I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
