The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
and she was petting her beer can
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Randomize
