I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
