Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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