I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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