just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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