im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I can't turn off my feet"
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I did not marry a roomba.
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