My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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