so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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