I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
