i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
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