I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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