Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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