There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Randomize
