I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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