FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I deserve this hangover.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
