update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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