Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Reggie can tackle my bush.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Randomize