You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I am one with the molecules
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
