I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize