Bitch is talking to much, howd u ever get her 2 shut up?
It's worth it.
How worth it?
Back door worth it
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
