I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Randomize
