Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
