I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
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