she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
