I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize