First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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