May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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