I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Do you think red sox nation has an official powerpoint template/memo format for resignations of manny support, bandwagon applications, and other official business?
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
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