FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
