The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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