You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
