Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
