Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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