the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Randomize
