the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
