I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
