I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
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