Got a toothbrush?
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
love makes seman taste better
Swine flu is the new snow day.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
