The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
