I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
i am craving dick and cupcakes
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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